Ubisoft

Alright, third one up, creator of the all-mighty Rayman, 25 year old Ubisoft. They have to overcome EA’s press conference which was pretty damn good. Ubisoft does have some games coming up like Assassin’s Creed: Revelations and a rumor for brothers in arms. We’ll see what comes up..

After a sweet short 25th anniversary trailer the CEO enters the stage and gives us a thanks for our support over the years. 

And the Rayman creator enters the stage to talk about Rayman: Origins and replay a pretty failing Hamlet dialogue pun. A demo is shown where Rayman and a blue character are chasing a chest through a jungle, a dragon through a lava landscape filled with ice tetris blocks and follow the chest underwater accompanied by joyful music before being chased by a giant buglike  monster. Correction, monsters. Afterwards dying and following the chest  to an ice landscape before seeing it fly away in an airship and having to chase it on a mosquito. The airship explodes along with everything else and they return on a stage with the chest and finding every character in the past of Ubisoft’s 25 year in it.. This crazy shit is all possible with four-player co-op. 

Mr. Caffeine (who?) gets on stage and talks about history and the world of technology. Lame pick-up lines ensue when he talks about the modern game-demographic with 40% females. “Gaming is adventure” makes you the hero. Driver: San Francisco is announced, as driver John Tanner go back to the oldschool gameplay of Driver. 

A game on an island. Your girlfriend is missing, you have a dark secret and I don’t know what else. Pictures of people being shot, definition of insanity is given: Repetition over and over and hoping something will change. He asks if he ever gave you the definition of insanity and pushes you into the water. What the fuck is this. Items are picked up from dead bodies as you go. And you keep fucking trying to escape apparently, over and over. Oh joy, Farcry 3.

No Brothers in Arms game by Gearbox, a new game “The Furious Four” is announced.  Really does look a lot like the WWII version of the new Overstrike game by EA. Brothers in Arms “Furious Four”. Still a Brothers in Arms game, lol. Nazy bashing galore.

Family games? TinTin? Oh holy fuck why..Each character has his or her own ability to advance in the game. Wrestling moves and platforming. Flying and driving, shooting and puzzling. This game does not know what it is. 

Ghost Recon announcement? Shitty retro style spoof game nobody thinks is funny, on to the real thing.  Gameplay demo in Nigeria. MY TARGET LOST, TARGET OBSCURED, TARGET, TA-TA-TARGET ACQUIRED. Oh fuck, shoot already.  Ghost Recon: Future Soldier. Ghost Recon Online ANOTHER SOCIAL CRAPSHOOT LOL AND IT’S FREE HOW ORIGINAL. Coming out on PC.

And thus “Gaming is sharing”. Shitty pictures and “epic fail” ß direct quote here ensue. Trackmania 2 is announced by the most rigid and stern looking bitch ever. “IT IS FUN AND EXCITING”.  Massive multiplaying and massive customization. Trailer showing the customization. Maniaplanet, A SOCIAL CONNECTION HUB AGAIN OH SHIT.

Rabbit pun incoming. Kinect Raving Rabbits: Alive & Kicking. Using augmented reality they pop out in all annoying bliss into your living room. Four player co-op possible. A cheapo “fill up the shape” game where four players have to fill in a shape on camera.  Release nov 8^th. 

“Gaming is life” incoming. MOAR DANCING. Just Dance 3, originality ensues with youtube fag dancing and Katy Perry.  MOAR GUITAR PHERIPERALS, Rocksmith. Real guitar playing into a game. Why the fuck do I need more pheriperals. Fall 2011. MOAR FITNESS PHERIPERALS, Your Shape 2. Enspiring trailer about trained people doing moves that are totally not in the game so you fat fucks buy this game. A goal to burn 1 billion calories together, lol good luck. 

“Gaming is fun” Pick up the daggers. OH FUCK ASSASSIN’S CREED. Assassin’s Creed: Revelations is announced! Recap of the previous Assassin’s Creed’s is given and a new mission. Ezio is on a personal quest this time involving Altaïr. He looks a shitload older in the trailer. And the demo begins where Ezio is in Constantinople. Smoke bombs,  sword fights and talks about a bomb 50 times more powerful than his regular bombs. A lighthouse collapses due to this baby. A high power mounted flamethrower to set fire on multiple ships is set off to cause even more havoc.  Travelling over the ships set aflame Ezio reaches the ship he was trying to catch and they sail away leaving chaos in their wake.  Animus is reset, a doorway is seen with a portal. End of demo. End of briefing.